


How to Solve a Problem Like Steven J. McGarrett

by prettyasadiagram



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-08
Updated: 2012-04-08
Packaged: 2017-11-03 07:22:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/378805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyasadiagram/pseuds/prettyasadiagram
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's probably not a good idea to surprise a man who is armed and has extensive close quarter battle training, but Danny does it just the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Solve a Problem Like Steven J. McGarrett

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to thatdamneddame for pouring me another glass of wine and beta-ing. Such a good enabler.

The first time he has the idea of throwing a surprise party for Steve, Chin laughs in his face and then calls Kono into his office so she can laugh too. It’s not very heartening.

 

Eventually, they agree to help, and it ends horribly. Well, that’s a lie, it ends with salt in the icing, which is absolutely hilarious and Danny makes a mental note to get the video footage from Chin, but the original plan is foiled by Steve’s inability to think clearly when it comes to family and thus ruin his surprise by opening the trunk at an inopportune moment.

Watching Steve persevere through the salted icing, Danny makes plans for next year. For one thing, he won’t keep the cake in the trunk.

 

\----

 

Steve thinks he’s so stealth, not mentioning his birthday, but Danny fills out the paperwork and still remembers last year; also, he’s got Steve’s birthday programmed into his fucking Google Calendar. So he does a little planning, enlists Kono and Chin’s help again to commemorate another year of Steve not killing himself from the grenades in the glove compartment or the tear gas in the trunk; it’s a fucking miracle, is what it is, and Danny definitely deserves a medal for putting up with his shenanigans, or at least a party. Fucking Navy Seals and their ability to raise Danny’s blood pressure to dangerous and unhealthy heights.

So one weekend, when Danny is over at Steve’s, beer in hand and Gracie building lopsided sand castles, Danny sends Steve away. “Get out. Go. If I see your face in the next two hours, I’m going to punch you. Don’t think I won’t. I have months of paperwork anger stored up, and you’re due a black eye or two.”

“Danny--it’s my house.”

“Don’t care. You have the beach, I have Grace, and you were more than welcome to stay, it was expected even, but no, you had to make a jean-shorts crack, so go away, go buy us some ice cream or something. You can come back in a bit.”

Steve slinks off, a kicked puppy expression on his face as his truck rumbles down the street. Danny whips his cell phone out. “Kono, we’re a go.”

 

By the time Steve gets back, the sun has nearly set. He’s got two cartons of ice-cream, so apparently he does listen when Danny talks, good to know.

Danny watches Steve from the window, he’s clearly grumbling as he slams the truck door shut, no doubt besmirching Danny’s good name, but the second he sees that all the lights in the house are off, he freezes. He puts the ice cream on the ground and reaches in through the open side window to grab--a gun? Really, Steven. Danny makes a mental note to have another conversation with Steve about where one should or should not leave guns. One does not need a gun for a trip to the grocery store.

But as he watches Steve slink all ninja-like to the door, he realizes that his plan could have been better thought out. Most importantly, one that wouldn’t ignite all of Steve’s obscene Navy Seal training skills.

(The night culminates in Danny trying to frantically turn on the lights before Steve can kick his own door in, but Chin still ends up with a bloody nose from it and there’s a room full of bemused people watching as Steve’s face slowly turns from consternated to highly entertained yet still vaguely apologetic, while Danny yells until he feels blue in the face and Steve sticks his fingers right in the cake, the Neanderthal.) 

 

\----

 

The next year, Danny resolves once more to be better, to plan twelve steps ahead instead of two. Danny doesn’t know why Steve has to ruin everything, but he’s pretty sure that it comes from not being held enough as a child. All Danny wants to do is provide his partner with a surprise party, maybe a few hours of uncomplicated fun that don’t involve sand getting in inappropriate places, is that too much to ask?

But no, once again, Steve can’t leave well enough alone, and instead of ignoring the team’s brief meetings without him and acting like a mature adult, he chooses to reprise the role of 13 year old girls everywhere and gets petty and jealous and searches his friends’ rooms while they’re downstairs arguing with their parents over whether or not they can go out for ice cream. Only in this case, he’s in Danny’s office. 

Danny comes in early, planning on finishing up some paperwork that he had ignored the night before, but instead of his quiet and organized office, he comes across Steve, a slightly crazed look on his face, hair sticking up in way too many directions, who says, “Where is it? I know it’s here.”

“Steven. It’s 6 AM. What could you possibly be looking for, in my office mind you, at this godforsaken hour, that could not wait until the less surly Dunkin Donuts employee is at work, because I have to tell you, ‘Todd’ has shit customer service and even worse coffee.” 

“My birthday is in three days. I know you’re planning something. You and Kono have been too chummy lately. It’s suspicious. You haven’t picked me up for work in two days. Something is going on.” Steven runs his hands through his hair, trying to organize the mess. It only makes him look even more deranged.

Danny levels a stare at Steve. “Yes, it’s called paperwork and last week you drove a car through a flea market and ‘dropped’ a suspect down three flights of stairs. Someone has to fill out the forms and come up with Governor-friendly terms that won’t get us all fired. Sadly, and much to my dismay, that person is still me. So unless you have the desire to crack open a thesaurus and learn the twenty variations of how to apprehend someone without revealing that you ran them down in your car, stop being so paranoid. Alternatively, maybe Kono and I have a little something-something going on that we don’t want Chin to know about, you think of that?.”

Steve stares at him blankly, before laughing in an insulting manner. “Kono would hit you and then Chin would kill you and hide the body. I would probably even help.” He gets up and stalks off in a huff. “But I will figure out what you’re planning; you can’t surprise a man who is armed and has extensive close quarter battle training.”

Looks like it was a good idea to keep the surprise birthday plans with Gracie after all. 

(False. Steve is a sneaky fucker who arranges an outing with Gracie, apparently to surprise Danny, but really so that he can ask her all kinds of questions about Danny’s plans for Steve’s birthday. Gracie doesn’t quite have the same resistance to Steve that Danny does, and thus eventually folds under Steve’s puppy dog eyes. Also, Steve goes through her backpack as she sips happily on a milkshake. Sold out by his own daughter for ice cream. He’s so ashamed.

But fine, another year foiled. Next year he’ll totally surprise Steve, salt in the icing notwithstanding.) 

 

\----

 

After three years, Danny finally pulls one over Steve. It’s almost perfect, because Danny has finally mastered Google Chat, thus eliminating the need to clandestine meetings that inevitably arouse Steve’s suspicions. 

He says almost, because technically, it’s not Steve’s birthday, per say, but half-birthdays totally count. 

So the week before September 10th, Danny sets his plan in action. It mostly involves finding a Mighty Mouse cake and those trick candles that Gracie thinks are hilarious.

 

Chin and Steve go off on one of their ritual drives, in which Danny’s pretty sure they just go and eat healthy food together, because Danny and Kono mock them for their salads and spinach smoothies. Either way, Steve is out of the office.

By the time Chin and Steve get back, the office is dark, and from the relative safety of his hiding place behind the outside wall of Kono’s office, Danny can hear Steve bitch, “Just because we left doesn’t mean it’s a half day. They could’ve at least waited,” as he flicks on the lights, which Kono somehow rigged to start playing the Mighty Mouse theme song.

As the tune of “Here I Come to Save the Day” begins playing, Danny and Kono walk around the corner holding the Mighty Mouse cake and reveling in the utter look of surprise on Steve’s face. He’s flabbergasted and his mouth drops open and he looks like a sad fish. The look of absolute shock is made even better when he sees Gracie behind them carrying a garishly wrapped present, complete with a shiny red bow.

The cake is placed on the table and as Kono is cutting Steve a piece, he looks up and asks if he has anything to worry about, “Salt in the icing? Vinegar in the cake?”

“Please Steve, give us some credit. A half-birthday party is surprise enough, don’t you think? Besides, no one has a bloody nose this year, which I count as a win in any book. Also, you haven’t even opened your present.” Danny leans against the table and pushes the box toward Steve. “Open it. Gracie picked it out.”

“Danno, that’s not--” 

Danny talks over Grace, “It’s from both of us.” He rubs a hand over his mouth. “Let’s say we’re invested.”

Carefully peeling back the wrapping paper, Steve barks a laugh when it turns out that the present is Emotional Intelligence for Dummies. “Aw, Danno, I didn’t know you cared.”

“Yes, well, maybe if you figure out how to express emotion in other ways than ‘Hulk, smash,’ we might get somewhere. And I could spend less time mitigating physical violence in the paperwork.”

Steve flips consideringly through the book and looks at Danny. “I’ll see what I can do.”

(Although Steve’s interrogation skills don’t become any less aggressive, it takes less than a week for Steve to push Danny up against a wall and say, “I’ve mastered ‘I-statements.’ When you mouth off at me, I can only think of ways to make you stop talking,’” and for Danny to raise his chin, challenging Steve to do something about it.

So he does.)

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not repost this work in its entirety or share this work on third-party websites such as Goodreads.


End file.
